Parenting is not what it used to be. The world has changed more in the last two decades than in any other time in the history of mankind. We have so many advantages over past generations but along with that comes growing pains.
Figuring out how to navigate technology while maintaining healthy relationships has become more important than ever, especially with our children. It is this very connection with our kids that often brings meaning and purpose to our lives.
Children are a blessing and hold a very special place in our hearts. That's why it's important to do what we can as parents when are children are young. If we want them to have positive relationships in the future, we need to work on building a secure attachment with them as they are growing up.
"Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the most important aspect of mental health; "
There are so many factors in raising happy and healthy children. However, promoting attachment with my daughter, Jayna, was one of the the key areas that created the most positive change in my daughter. I knew very little about the topic until I was thick in my research on how trauma affected a child’s developing brain.
The secret to building positive relationships with our children relies on a “secure” attachment. Bessel van der Kolk, a world leading trauma therapist, states, “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”1
I couldn’t have said it any better. Jayna could not form a relationship with me until she felt not only safe within her thoughts, but her in body and the environment around her, as well. This directly related to her mental health and capacity to feel inner happiness.
Attachment used to be taken for granted, and no one thought much about it. However, attachment disorders are on the rise and a study out of Princeton University found that out of 14,000 children, 40% lacked secure attachment.2 That is 4 out of 10 infants and is an alarming statistic. The report also said children who lacked close bonds with their mother or father were significantly at risk for aggressiveness, hyperactivity and defiance as adults.
When does attachment happen? One theory was that if a secure attachment didn’t happen that first year of life, it won’t happen later on. While a healthy attachment that first year of a child’s life is significant, my daughter didn't attach to me until around the age of 10 years old.
When I adopted Jayna at age two, I knew very little about the brain and child development but I did know she needed to attach to me if she was ever going to have positive relationships later on in life. And as I researched and did everything in my power to make this happen, I learned about the many influencing factors that affect our children's brain regulation. Knowing this helped me promote attachment through the years with my daughter and it radically improved the quality of her life.
In nurturing attachment, two important things are needed: unconditional love and a commitment to make the relationship work. Life is hard and throws so many challenges and surprises that sometimes it feels easier to give up. But, true, unconditional love never gives up, and in hope is where change begins.
As a parent, I always want to look out for my child’s best interest emotionally, spiritually and physically. In working with so many amazing parents, this is where I see the biggest change. It happens when the parents advocate for their child no matter the obstacles.
So where does a parent begin in improving attachment with their child? It starts with spending time with our kids. And, I’m not talking quality time, I mean real time. Our children can’t attach to us if we are not present with them. It means interacting with them, teaching, instructing, playing, talking, being silly and serious, just good old-fashioned time.
Children love routine and traditions. The elements of fun and predictability bring the family together. While vacations are enjoyable, it's the little things like Sunday dinners, dance parties, hiking trips, prayer time, baking cookies, game nights, car repairs, and reading together that truly matter. Even mundane activities like grocery shopping can become cherished memories when your child looks back at them years later.
Be imaginative and establish unique family traditions and routines! Embrace the present and dedicate quality time to your children by being fully engaged and interacting on a personal level, keeping electronic devices in a separate room.
"Children feel safe when their parents are in control and communicate clear boundaries and expectations."
Through love, dedication, and time invested, a sense of security begins to develop within the family system. However, as parents, we also need to nurture with discipline, clear communication and follow through. While it is enjoyable to spend time with our children, maintaining consistent discipline can be a challenge for many families. However, this consistency in discipline is critical in developing trust with our children.
It is important for parents to establish family rules, values, and expectations, as well as the consequences that come with them. These should be understood by everyone in the family, even if they may not fully agree with them. Providing loving and supportive guidance, engaging in effective communication, and following through on consequences are essential in setting clear boundaries and fostering a secure attachment.
When we nurture these principles of discipline, often self-confidence grows as children gain age-appropriate responsibilities and are allowed to voice their opinions, even if their thoughts conflict with their parent’s ideas. Being able to validate our children’s ideas and thoughts even when we disagree creates a safe space for them to explore who they are and how they fit in in the world around them. (Yes, this can be a hard thing as a parent to learn, but will go a long way in earning your child’s trust.)
Remember, every child is unique and different. And, all parents can attest to the fact that no two children are the same. However, attachment is all about trust and safety, and there are so many things within your power to help your child feel secure.
Attachment will not guarantee a problem free child. Nor will they always do what you want. However, it will create an extraordinary relationship, one built on love and mutual respect, and together you'll be able to figure out how to handle life's challenges as they come.
Check out our free resources for more support or contact us if you’d like more information.
1-Bessel A. van der Kolk, “Developmental Trauma Disorder:Toward a Rational Diagnosis for Children with Complex TraumaHistories.,” Psychiatric Annals 35, no. 5 (2005): 401–8, https://doi.org/10.3928/00485713-20050501-06.
2- “Four in 10 Infants Lack Strong Parental Attachments | Office of the Dean for Research,” Princeton University, April 1, 2014,https://research.princeton.edu/news/four-10-infants-lack-strong-parental-attachments.
Photo by Tatiana Syrikova
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