How do you know if your child's obsessive worrying, negative spirals, anger or outbursts are normal?
My daughter exhibited extreme behavior, especially at home. However, when I talked to friends and family, they told me it was normal. Even the doctors and social workers told me not to worry but that didn't stop my search for answers.
So, how do you know if your child's challenging behavior is a part of their personality, or a plea for help? How do you know if your child needs extra help managing their emotions and ruminating thoughts?
This was one of the hardest things I dealt with when seeking support for my daughter, Jayna. Whenever I reached out for help I was assured that my daughter was fine. And while, yes indeed, Jayna was a delightful, strong-willed and smart grade-schooler with a contagious smile, she struggled more than my son with simple routines and social events. And, while her teachers and pediatrician couldn't answer my questions about her puzzling behavior, they still insisted there was nothing to worry about.
How do I know if my child's challenging behavior is a part of their personality, or a plea for help?
I am glad that I didn't listen to them.
The problem was, they didn't really know my daughter. They were never with her when she was raging after her cousin's birthday party, trying to control what I said and did or telling me that she didn't feel she deserved to live at age five. These were all red flags, not personality. They were behaviors that said, "I am not okay."
While my daughter's behaviors were significant, she was still overlooked. The fact of the matter is, so many of the children I work with have struggled for years, if not a decade, before receiving the help that they needed. Parents were often told "to wait and see" before seeking help and by the time I see children, they are in a crisis situation. It's so much easier to address our children's behavior before they escalate out of control.
My daughter was stuck in a continuous cycle of stress, or what's called her fight, flight or freeze response. Jayna struggled with impaired neurological functioning which included immature social skills, inability to manage her emotions, lack of attachment, learning disabilities, vision problems, lack of focus and impulsivity.
It's so much easier to address our children's behavior before they escalate out of control.
The symptoms she was displaying were because of a dysregulated central nervous system. She didn't want to be oppositional, she was just reacting to how her mind and body felt. Understanding this helped me find the right programs, services and parenting methods for my daughter at a young age. This was critical in her success as a teenager in school. Early detection of challenging behavior allowed us to start interventions while her brain was still developing and her coping patterns were still being formed.
After working with children and their parents for over a decade, there are three common behaviors that I have found often indicate a child may need extra help.
The top 3 behavioral red flags that may indicate your child needs help are:
1) Your child goes from 0 to 90 in seconds, seemingly out of nowhere
Happy one second, and out of control the next, a dysregulated child often catches parents off guard because their reactions don't match the situation. It can be hard to understand why your child is so upset. The reasons your child may give as to why there are so many tears usually doesn't make sense. It's not that the dog grabbed there cookie out of their hand and ate it but more like they wanted a red cup instead of blue or that their sheets are wrinkly and they can't sleep because of it. When the little things trigger big emotion, it's often a an overactive stress response that needs additional support to self regulate more efficiently.
2) Often aggressive or angry
When a child is stuck in his or her stress response they can act out in frustration. Oftentimes they are getting mixed messages within their body and are confused and may misinterpret situations as threatening. This can look like abrupt anger, opposition, control, hitting and name calling. Because it's hard for them to understand what they are feeling, the big emotions are difficult to manage.
Children can also turn their anger and aggression inward, toward themselves with negative self-talk or self injury. However, whether they display their anger inwardly or outwardly, both are a sign that they may need extra help in managing the many physical and emotional sensations that make them feel out of control.
Early detection of challenging behavior allowed us to start interventions while her brain was still developing and her coping patterns were still being formed.
3) Constantly swinging between extreme emotions
A child who swings from being wildly happy to negative spirals is another sign of a dysregulated central nervous system. Often there is no middle ground when a child is constantly moving between extreme emotions. These kiddos are super fun and smart when things are going their way but everyone wants to run and hide when the situation becomes less than ideal. Obsessive compulsive tendencies may hang out here and kids can often get stuck. They may only want to wear one thing, eat one type of food or are addicted to a specific hobby or activity. Whether it's food, clothes or thoughts in their head, change can be difficult and transitions are hard when their brain is constantly seeking an adrenaline rush.
If you recognize any of these patterns in your child, don't worry. While it may be a red flag you need to address, doing this earlier in their life as opposed to later may prevent a crisis situation. Your child's brain can change. Be curious and search for answers. There are so many things that you can do to change your child's brain and help them transform into a confident, happy and healthy person.
If you'd like to learn more, I'd love to share my journey with you in my book, Unleashing Happiness. It's super easy to read and combines almost two decades of research into an inspiring , step by step guide to help you find the answers you need to help free your child from their spiraling thoughts and challenging behavior!
And, if you'd like more support, we would love to help you along your journey. Sign up for a free
30-minute Discovery Session to create an action plan that you can start today. And, be sure to check out our services and free resources that will help you nurture your most important relationships – your extraordinary family.
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